One day, I will look Ruth in the eye and say we lived, we loved and we conquered. We have been planning to lose weight kidogo tu, provided haga isiende, but there’s a way the devil hears and thwarts all the plans we have. On Friday, like we all know, is buy one, get one free. Walevi hold your horses. It is just a pizza offer in Debonairs. For a long time, long before Waiguru went on sick off and even long before Uhuru ate in a kibanda, we had been planning to eat pizza together. Utamu was pizza is eating together, two or more. Okay, let’s stick to two because more than that will mean you just eat a quarter, but when you are two, you eat a whole pizza and the other glutton attacks the other. And when you want to eat pizza, don’t go with your boyfriend. No! That will be a very wrong move. Go with your pack of hungry women who don’t joke with food and have an appetite, huger than an adolescent in form 2. But for my case, one hungry woman like me. I know there are advantages of going with your man because he will pay for the two large pizzas and so you’ll not have a dent in your pocket. But you won’t eat freely. No man wants a woman who descends on food like an expert. You’ll have to eat a quarter and that means, your heart will bleed as you try to act full when in real sense, your stomach is yawning, gapping. And it’s not good kuchoma picha, even if they nudge you to act freely. It’s a trap. Don’t act freely! Utapoteza mtu. Wee! I once acted real before a 34 year old when I picked my nose and when panty ikienda lunch, I would fish it, so he said I am too crude for life and before I knew it, I was dumped. Hehe! But the other day, I saw the wretched soul in the streets of Nairobi, in a tucked in Royco t-shirt and an official trouser.
So me and my girl did a mini harambee and raised money for that pizza. You know when you are with your friend, high chances are, she will want to cheza chafu and refuse to contribute full amount of 625 and confidently ask you to pay 700, and claim she will refund the 75 bob because iko kwa mpesa. I know this woman too well (7 years is a long time), so before we embarked to Debonairs, kila mtu aliweka pesa kwa meza. But that offer is just robbery without violence. 1250! And as you know, we are broke all the time but Ruth prophesied that we will be rich someday so yeah, we hanging in there.
When we reached the place where our souls would find peace and rejoice at man’s culinary skills, we ideally should have started feeling out of place, coz people seemed rich, but no! This was our money. Many tables had couples. Like 5 tables. There was a high schooler with her boyfriend in home clad. Young beautiful love. He had all shambalas in the world and wore a snapback so I couldn’t tell how irregular his head was, or how many corners it had, or the shape, but his face was cute. Then, there was this obese family. Big mama and big children from St. Mark’s westy. I saw their school games t-shirt. Then, there were two ladies on a table close to ours. One wore natural hair that just looked bad. It was too puffed up and shaggy like a mop-head. She seemed like a radical black woman who was once discriminated. The other girl was skinny, absorbed in her self-righteousness, on her computer. She looked like she was reading something on Linda Ikeji’s blog. I hated her already. You cannot love skinny girls. You hate on them. Nobody says these things but truth is, we big people, hate on them and always are defensive around them. We want them to provoke us and then descend on them and beat them up. Then, behind us, some lanky guy was drinking afya with a straw. Jeeper creepers! Why, skinny man, why use a straw? Later, some girl joined him. I hated on her already too. Her hair, thank God, has been consumed by chemicals so it’s now a bored color brown. It is long, but in a matter of weeks, like 6 weeks from now, it will have fallen off. Yes!! And the dude bought a tiny pizza. A miniature one I can swallow in one gulp. So he’s broke too. That kapizza he bought is like 300. I was eavesdropping, as he boosted that he was in a business meeting in Yaya earlier and the girl with tired chemical hair wowed. Her voice shrill and talking too much English. But I detected a “chaget” accent. Later, a man and a small woman joined that table with the girl with bad natural hair and hugged them with a hidden motive.
We ate the two large pizzas, encouraging ourselves.
“Aki tumalize tu! Hii box kubwa yote tutembee nayo kama tu-dem twa Nairobi?”
“Aki! Tujikaze” I quipped. We sat there for 2 hours, eating, resting, eating, resting… well, I would recommend you eat there too, but I cannot even remember the names of those pizzas. All I know is that they were sweet. People looked at us curiously, we could tell, but when we are two, nothing brings us down. We are unperturbed. We added 5 kgs probably, but this life is meant to be lived.