Viagra tea?

IMG_20160510_181954

I was waiting for pay day like tick-tock-tick-tock. In fact, I was contemplating robbing a bank, quitting or feigning an illness to get well-wishers. These employers think I don’t have things to do but just wait for their pay? I have movies to watch and blind dates to go to. But what if I quit and don’t get another job? Will I move from my loyal bedsitter to a mabati structure? Will I be sitting next to Tom Mboya’s statue too, thinking how everything is vanity? I hear strippers get paid heavily by the way; can I venture into the lucrative business? No, I bet all poles will break under my mammoth weight. I can’t quit my job yet. My 20s won’t trick me. I got a bank notification. When you have money, you itch to buy everything, even the spanner and bolts. And nyororo ya mbwa. And the exact clothes the mannequins have. I ran to the supermarket to show the money how we do it.

Pamba I took a trolley*. This end month will know me. My enemies will watch as I lift the entire supermarket. Let every man know I am independent and every soul acknowledge I am working class. I kicked off with the section for lotions. And found a variety. Ati 80 bob? This must be fake and carcinogenic. Gosh that cheap? So I got one for 700 bob. The way that model had stretched her legs… long legs. Thin legs. Flawless skin. This will transform me and men will break necks. I pushed ahead. I reached the perfumes. Lately I have smelled like some cucumber will surely change. I picked innocence. When I pass, people will close their eyes and smell my goodness, the way rich people smell wine before tasting. Somebody might even fall in love with the spray and the owner. I reached the pads section. These things are annoying. Is there a way someone can just inject something and these things never ever appear? I just grabbed one and zoomed off, hanging on the trolley occasionally. I hope to outgrow this one day. Amen. I picked serviettes, pocket tissues, wipes, mayonnaise, canned beef, canned beans, macaroni and other alien and familiar paraphernalia… if you don’t know them, it is okay. I also just see them on the shelves so I was here to try them out before I was broke 2 days later. I veered to the cocoas, teabags, etc. I needed green tea. I hear this thing you use for a month, you waist becomes 24, hips 44 and the bust becomes manageable. This bust has been heavy of late. I wish it amounted to money.

My eyes landed on something very captivating. I stared at it. My eyes widened with excitement and curiosity. My hands slowly but surely reached for it. Is this tea? What? I took it and scrutinized it. It read tonic tea. But it did not have pictures of Kericho tea farms or a cup of hot tea. It had two people engrossed in passion. If somebody takes this, he might destroy you in bed. I shivered with fantasy. The cover was appealing and the man was biting that woman’s neck like candy. The woman was moaning. I could see, feel and hear it. I looked around if anybody was watching. I was touching my neck, unconsciously. If he takes this, he will be like a charged buffalo. Not to say he is lousy, but this thing will be magical. Into the trolley.  I couldn’t shop anymore. My attention was on that tonic thing. I took its complementary- a Rough Rider. This weekend will be one of a kind. I took 3 packets. And the way it is expensive… that is a dent in my pocket. Some elderly woman looked at me harshly. Look grandma, you had your time… I thought. I saw her eyes rest on the tea, then the Rough Rider. I wanted to tell her I had just been sent and I have a pharmacy but she walked away nodding, mumbling. People are judgmental. What if I was just going to a women’s seminar on sexuality? I pushed the rough riders below the sanitary towels and made the tonic tea invisible. Then as I approached the counter, aah! A Gillette! Happy are those who use shaving cream.

I checked the queue with more females. Women are nosey but I can stand that. Men? They will smile and wink when they see those 2 devil of things I had in my trolley. They will even start a convo of “kumbe pia wee unapenda rough rider? Ushawai tumia Kamasutra?” and when I become curt, they will think am just playing hard to get. One will even leave the supa with your number.

I put on a brave face as my turn to offload my shopping came. God has not given us a spirit of fear. I was swiping my phone checking from the corner of my eyes at any judgmental person. The teller told me the total was around 3k. I reached my purse. I just had roughly 2k, plus/minus 200. I searched and dug deep. My handbag swallows money sometimes. A small crowd was building. Precisely, 3 men. I told the cashier,

Piga hesabu ya huyu next”. He said no, he wants to finish with me.

“You can swipe if you have a card”.

Nilisahau home.” I lamented.

I have nothing like that in my house, purse or dreams. Nobody was going to return the tonic tea, nor the rough riders. I would rather return the silly serviettes.

Okay, rudisha Mayonnaise na hio kitu canned.” I said as he deducted. I also removed the jam.

Those men were smiling. I told you! That is what they always do.

You still want to know if the tonic tea worked wonders? He blatantly refused to use it. He said it is not tea but Viagra. False advertisements.

This entry was posted in People.

12 comments

  1. Nicki says:

    Hahahah Who needs Mayo anyway…but i hear it can also be used for the “destruction activities” 😀 I would have just toad the canned things and macaronni. They will add on the waist as you try to remove it with the green tea.

Leave a Reply