For so long, I could not fathom why this had to happen. I could not forgive you or myself. I did not have answers for our children. After years of paining, moaning and spending lots of hours questioning my manhood, I have gathered the courage to talk to you. You stabbed me deeply and left an indelible mark. I cannot bring myself to terms with your betrayal, your selfish decision of abandoning us. But this had to come to pass at one point. I should have known. I should have listened to people. Everybody was right except me.
My life was a labyrinth when you left. I was like a zombie. I did not know where to begin as a single father. Yes, I struggled with it single handedly. I taught our daughter not to hate, but every day I wake up to see the hate in her eyes, the questions, the emptiness that comes with absence of a mother. I am her mother even with my inability to have a woman physique. I hope she will learn to treat men right. I hope she will grow to be a noble woman. I hope she won’t fear commitment. I want her to see the pain in others and learn that God only gives us storms we can handle. We may not have you around, neither can anyone take your place, but we are doing quite fine.
I cannot forget all the nights you spent out on the pretext of company events. All the days you would come home drunk. Your rented apartment, your other lover, your irresponsibility. I thought everyone really was against us. Against you. But I came to learn about your colleague. No wonder he would call all the time. You would lie to me without blinking an eye, that it is just work. I was stupid! All those nights you would give me your back and say you are tired, you are not in the mood, you feel sick… of course you were tired! He was dining! And you said I do not arouse you anymore. That I was poor in bed. Erectile dysfunction. You made me feel less of a man. I was determined to be an upright man. But it did not matter to you. I chose to stay at home, while you chose to go out at night. Yeah, I am fully aware people would make fun of me behind my back. But two wrongs never make a right. In your eyes, I was a douche bag. To my children, I am their everything.
Our son, he died before my own eyes. We him rushed to hospital. I begged God to spare him this one last time but it did not happen. Poor immunity, the doctor said. How often is he breastfed, he asked. It would have been better had you been selected. You do not deserve the title of being a mother. You neglected him. Do you even know that he had been ailing for the last 3 days when you were away? He will be okay, you would say casually and hang up.
Last night our girl came to me and said “daddy, is love a disillusion?” I do not know the right words to tell her. Love can be too stubborn and blind. I remember during our heydays, my mother warned me about you but I was looking at her mouth and her words made no sense! She is now 16. She reminds me of you. She has your beauty. She laughs like you and has funny ideas. She must be having feelings for someone, just like any teenager, but she is too afraid to let anyone in her life. Even genuine friendships.
Our son never talks about girls in his class. He is 11. I wish he could, just like other kids. He feels different. You may have hurt me, but I know there are noble women out there. I checked his diary and I cannot share with you what he thinks. We watch cartoons and when he sees those having mothers, he says, “Daddy, can we change the channel?” He is jealous of all his classmates. He thinks they are lucky to have both parents. He used to tell them mommy went out of town but will come. Some make fun of him; that his father doubles up as his mother too. I pick him from school and I do the homework with him. I bathe him and tuck him to sleep. He asks so many questions. Did mummy really love you and us? When I cook, he sits alone in the bedroom but his sister joins me and makes fun of my cooking. I have taught her how to cook, wash and take care of his brother. She tried ironing but ended up burning my shirts.
While am no saint, I still think you are the most selfish person alive. You failed to control your desires. You did not see our sacrifices. You put yourself first at the expense of our children. You walked away from us when we needed you the most. You let another man into your life and left us. Our 2 children have refused to let any other woman in their lives. They think she too, will leave.
I hope life is treating you the way you want it to. We hope you are happy wherever you are. We hope you found the freedom and the peace you always craved for.